confused domain

It seems that I was talking to someone this week and discussed a topic for blogging. I can't remember what it was ...

What is my domain? What is the territory that God has for me? How big are God's plans for my life? These are the questions that were posed to me this week. I have been mulling over them, chewing on them like I used to chew steak as a child. Here are a few of my thoughts.

I am eight months from graduating from college and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. Everyone says that's ok; I shouldn't worry about it. Part of me says, "That's right. Don't walk in that worry." Part of me says, "But I don't even know what the opportunities are or what it is that God has for my life." I know that God has a spouse for me, and I have desired to have a family more now than ever. But what is my occupation supposed to be? Do I stay in Hays or move? I know that these are things that God will reveal, and will reveal in advance to their coming about. Isaiah 30 says, "your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'This is the way, walk in it.' Whenever you turn to the right hand Or whenever you turn to the left."

One of my loves is publication design, whether it is yearbook pages (as it was in high school) or newsletter or whatever. I don't necessarily like doing the writing of stories and such, but nonetheless, design is pasttime for me. I spent a long time admiring the work at Northwestern Office Suppliers just a few days ago. I thought, "These wedding invitations are amazing. I could design this." But some of me thought, "Yeah, but it would never turn out as cool as what your looking for. And besides all that, you could never think of a new idea. You would just have to mimic something you've already seen." So I fear that I can't do it because I am only mediocre at it. I am not absolutely incredibly amazing at it, nor am I horrible, worst beyond worst. Being mediocre is worse than being the other two because you don't feel good enough to use such gifts or pursue the dream, but you feel guilty because you don't use what you have been given. And isn't that the point of the parable of the talents? So, I think that desktop publishing could be in my domain. Can I claim my gift of that?

Another piece of my domain is my ability and desire to speak, that is, public speaking. I am no Billy Graham or Daron Jamison or anyone, but I know that my mouth is a gift that does not live up to the call that is on it. I feel like I have been silenced (whether by God or something else is debatable). I used to confidently speak a lot of foolishness. But now I can't seem to even speak the wisdom I have gained, let alone with confidence. And when I speak, what shall be my message? Who shall be my audience? Do I perceive this "gift" in such a box, that I don't recognize it when it comes in an envelope or a gift sack? Or is that thought just my way of settling so I can feel better about my lack of speaking?

And my family is included in my domain. Can I pray enough to see my dad healed of m.s.? what about coming into the kingdom? What about my mom's heart? And her physical health for the job she does now? Will there ever be a day that I can be strong for her?

I learned something the other night in talking and walking with my sister. All of my fears, doubts, worries, anxieties, they stem, not from my sins or lack of confidence, but from wrong beliefs I have about God. Forever it seems that I have been told and fought lies that I'm not a good communicator and that I don't know what to say and when to say what I don't know to say. I have been plagued by the memory of going to the funeral of a friend who committed suicide, and having not seen another friend who went to the funeral also, I later said the second friend, "So, did you enjoy the funeral?" What a rotten choice of words. The thoughts grow into my ability to make new relationships and I believe the lie that not only can I not make new relationships, but when I do, I don't know how to maintain them, so I just become fake. (And I was "honestly fake", if you will, for a long time. It's the last thing on earth that I'd ever want to be again.)

So, if these are all the wrong beliefs I have about who I am and what I am capable of, what are the right ones? I know that the right beliefs begin with God and not with me. They are not focused on me, but on Him. Where the lies may be "I'm not a good communicator and that I don't know what to say and when to say what I don't know to say", the truth is that the Holy Spirit speaks through me. Ok, I say. But what's that like? How do I speak with confidence if I don't have any confidence? How do I get a nickel if I don't have five pennies?

I'm too tired to keep thinking.